Security with a Smile

My trip to back to New Mexico was great. It was great to see everyone (even those who refused to be photographed yet still wanted to check out the site). I am including some holiday travel tips for those of you who have not yet started your journey home:

• There is nothing that cannot be killed with kindness.

• Don’t take a limo to the airport. You look like a prick.

• If they tell you the flight is nearly full and to grab the first seat you see, sit in the middle seat of an empty row. This will all but ensure that if there is one empty seat on the plane, it will be next to you, giving you a more comfortable ride.

• Don’t joke about the plane exploding with your Arab row mate. Seriously – even if he is an American with no accent. It will delay your departure. Further, when they become suspicious that the only empty seat on the plane is between the people joking about exploding planes, DO NOT use the term “signaling” when describing your seating theory (see above).

• Surrendering lighters, matches, and mace is pretty much voluntary. These things are not caught during security checks, even if you put them in the dish with your keys.

• Sing while waiting in a crowded lobby to board your plane. At least one person (if not everyone) will join you. Favorites seem to be “Jingle Bells” and “Sweet Home Alabama”.

• Avoid long check-in lines at ticketing by claiming that you only have carryon baggage and using the automated check-in machine. Since the security folk are no longer employed by the airlines, they are concerned with finding lighters, matches, and mace (see above), not the size of your bag. When you board the plane, they will “gate-check” oversized bags for you. (It’s ok to be that person – your time is important.)

• United is improving their customer service – the invalid on my plane only had to ask for a wheelchair three times AND they actually brought one instead of forcing her to crawl to baggage claim. They are still no Southwest (whom I would trust to manage the federal government), but they are getting better. As your attorney, I advise you to avoid American Airlines at all costs.

• Seating in the front of the plane is quieter than the rear. This is because you are in front of the engines. Not, as I was duly informed, because the engines are failing. Also, Catholics just cross themselves a lot. It doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything wrong with the plane.

• Even if you offend your row-mate, request reseating if their pre-flight greeting starts with: a) I am an aeronautical engineer; b) I am a computer science major and I want to talk about the statistical likelihood of the engines/wings falling off of our aircraft; or c) I was a pilot in the “X” branch of the military during ‘Nam. Or, in the alternative, tell them you are a lawyer/work for the IRS/native of Saudi Arabia and they will reseat themselves.

• Traveling is stressful. People like to smile. Give them a reason.

Happy Holidays!